I don't even know what to blog about anymore. I'm eating, purging, taking lax. I feel like my entire life is about my ED. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning, instinctively, is to touch my belly. Then I pee, take off my clothes, weigh myself, again, again, put my clothes back on. I wash my teeth. I go into my room and check for updates on the blogs I'm following. I get dressed. I make my bed. I take my backpack and go downstairs. I see some fruit in a basket. "No food today. Or try to eat just a little." I put on my shoes, my jacket, get in the car. I arrive at school. Classes. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Then I have Romanian/Maths/German tutoring (not because I'm not good at them, I'm actually doing well. But I have exams this summer and all the parents want their kids to get the highest grades). On Thursdays I go to therapy. On Fridays I go home. On a few of these days I go to gym.
As soon as I get home, I eat and eat and eat and purge and take lax and eat some more and purge and don't wash my teeth (it harms the teeth after purging... even more) and go to sleep. Repeat.
On Saturdays and Sundays I do homework, endless assignments and exercises and things to learn.
I am beyond exhausted. I am tired. I want to cry right now because I've been working like hell all week(end) and I'm still not done. I want to die. Shoot me. Now. Please.
My gym membership expired yesterday, so I'm not going to gym this week. There's no time. I need time.
On a more positive note, I'm one book ahead with my 2013 reading challenge - 25 books. I hope I'll read more, though. I am now re-reading Bitterschokolade (bitter chocolate). My German teacher said there are some "inappropriate words." Guess what the words were? Penis and breasts. Jesus. We're not 8 anymore.
All I need now is some time. And a hug. And a pimple-less face. Argh.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
The world is wrong
I'm in the middle of my German homework now. Something really weird happened.
Remember a few months ago, when I went to Bucharest, that I met the 24-year-old (now 25) who is in love with me? I also met his girlfriend (who is a sweetheart) and he took us on his motorbike. My parents have, somehow, found out about it. I told no one about this except for my ex, who I'm 100% sure they didn't talk to. And I wrote on this blog about it. I doubt they have found my blog, because otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I have this blog for over a year and the things I wrote here would have seriously concerned them, so there's no freakin chance they've found it. Hopefully. The only thing they could've done was read my texts. Which they have done before, so there's no wonder they did it again. I can't trust them.
Yes, I lied to them about who I was going out with, but only because they wouldn't have let me go. Since I was little, they told me not to talk to "strangers" on the internet, because they'll fucking come to our home and rape me and kidnap me and kill me. That's why I never told them that I have a blog (well, more), that I talk to certain people from different countries and so on. I hate them for not respecting my privacy. I have this right. And I will never, ever trust them again.
I'm still taking pills and throwing up and cutting myself. Nothing new.
I hate Bucharest with my entire heart. I reached my highest weight yesterday. Fucking 64.2. I have never been here before. The plan was to go without food for the entire week, but then I said "Ok, let's give it one last freakin chance." So I ate somewhat healthily today. I hate myself. No, wait, I hate them. I want to take all the pills in the world. Also, thanks to Grey's Anatomy, I have found one more way to die. Which is so damn easy and handy... I won't say it here because this isn't a "let's kill ourselves, folks!" blog. It's just so easy to escape this life.
I want to be in someone else's body. I love everything about myself except for my body. I want to take a break. Lax and ibuprofen and sedatives and I'll be just fine..
My therapist doesn't think I have an ED. Oh YES, because people usually abuse laxatives and throw up and go for 5 days without food with no problem! THANK GOD I'm fucking normal, right? I'm just dieting, because this is what you do when you diet, you take lax for one year and a half and throw up and daaamn, you're not only not losing weight, but you are gaining! It is super effective! Try this new, Chanelle-style diet!
Go to hell and burn.
Not to mention that my cuts are just "slips," nothing serious going on.
I hate the world. I have learned one thing during these past few weeks: Don't trust everyone. Question everything you know. If you want to survive in this world, you'll have to ignore what people say, don't be easily influenced, stand up for yourself and for what you believe in.
One of the things that shocked me was my grandpa. He told my brother not to be friends with the boy who has lower grades. How insane/stupid/superficial do you have to be to say that? They are only 8 years old! Of course, never play with that boy, his parents sure as fuck have money for paying his therapists in the future! I'm sure he'll need one, since he'll be ignored and laughed at at school. The world changes person by person. If my brother starts ignoring the boy, the entire class will. Just imagine. I started yelling at my grandpa when he said that. I wanted to cry. Imagine an 8-year-old crying, sitting alone and being avoided by all his classmates, only because his grades aren't as high as expected. This is called cruelty.
I'm going back to my homework now. Have a nice day/evening/whatever...
Remember a few months ago, when I went to Bucharest, that I met the 24-year-old (now 25) who is in love with me? I also met his girlfriend (who is a sweetheart) and he took us on his motorbike. My parents have, somehow, found out about it. I told no one about this except for my ex, who I'm 100% sure they didn't talk to. And I wrote on this blog about it. I doubt they have found my blog, because otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I have this blog for over a year and the things I wrote here would have seriously concerned them, so there's no freakin chance they've found it. Hopefully. The only thing they could've done was read my texts. Which they have done before, so there's no wonder they did it again. I can't trust them.
Yes, I lied to them about who I was going out with, but only because they wouldn't have let me go. Since I was little, they told me not to talk to "strangers" on the internet, because they'll fucking come to our home and rape me and kidnap me and kill me. That's why I never told them that I have a blog (well, more), that I talk to certain people from different countries and so on. I hate them for not respecting my privacy. I have this right. And I will never, ever trust them again.
I'm still taking pills and throwing up and cutting myself. Nothing new.
I hate Bucharest with my entire heart. I reached my highest weight yesterday. Fucking 64.2. I have never been here before. The plan was to go without food for the entire week, but then I said "Ok, let's give it one last freakin chance." So I ate somewhat healthily today. I hate myself. No, wait, I hate them. I want to take all the pills in the world. Also, thanks to Grey's Anatomy, I have found one more way to die. Which is so damn easy and handy... I won't say it here because this isn't a "let's kill ourselves, folks!" blog. It's just so easy to escape this life.
I want to be in someone else's body. I love everything about myself except for my body. I want to take a break. Lax and ibuprofen and sedatives and I'll be just fine..
My therapist doesn't think I have an ED. Oh YES, because people usually abuse laxatives and throw up and go for 5 days without food with no problem! THANK GOD I'm fucking normal, right? I'm just dieting, because this is what you do when you diet, you take lax for one year and a half and throw up and daaamn, you're not only not losing weight, but you are gaining! It is super effective! Try this new, Chanelle-style diet!
Go to hell and burn.
Not to mention that my cuts are just "slips," nothing serious going on.
I hate the world. I have learned one thing during these past few weeks: Don't trust everyone. Question everything you know. If you want to survive in this world, you'll have to ignore what people say, don't be easily influenced, stand up for yourself and for what you believe in.
One of the things that shocked me was my grandpa. He told my brother not to be friends with the boy who has lower grades. How insane/stupid/superficial do you have to be to say that? They are only 8 years old! Of course, never play with that boy, his parents sure as fuck have money for paying his therapists in the future! I'm sure he'll need one, since he'll be ignored and laughed at at school. The world changes person by person. If my brother starts ignoring the boy, the entire class will. Just imagine. I started yelling at my grandpa when he said that. I wanted to cry. Imagine an 8-year-old crying, sitting alone and being avoided by all his classmates, only because his grades aren't as high as expected. This is called cruelty.
I'm going back to my homework now. Have a nice day/evening/whatever...
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Overwhelmed
It is the very first time in my life that school causes me such huge amount of stress. It is awful. I have to go to bed at 10 in order to be able to wake up at 6:20. Sometimes I wake up earlier (5-6 am) to do homework, then go back to sleep. When I'm at my grandma's in the afternoon, I take a nap. I am exhausted.
The teachers exaggerate and think we only have one subject, their subject, to study for. Nope. I have more than 15 subjects. And I need a decent average in all of them. I've been struggling with PE/Sports lately. The woman wants us to stand on our heads. I can't.
Also, my chemistry teacher has a problem with me. I've noticed it since September. If she wants anyone to come to the board and do an exercise, that's me. And I can solve it every single time. School has only started 3 weeks ago, she has already sent me to the board twice. This is what happened on Tuesday: She was making an experiment with the electrolysis of water. The lesson was a bit complicated and, to be honest, I had almost no idea what was going on. Neither did the rest of my class. She then called us stupid, which she is definitely not allowed to do. How dare she?! The teacher looked at me. "You, what's your name?" - "[Chanelle], woman, you've been testing and sending me to the board so many times lately and you still don't know my name?" I go to the board and do as I am told: write the reaction of the chemical decomposition of water. I knew how to do it. H2O ---> H2 + 1/2 O2. She thanks me and tells me to go back to my seat.
Class finishes, my friends and I take a little longer to get our stuff. The teachers looks at us and starts saying in a loud voice: "You didn't study anything for today! How can you come to class like that?! You should be ashamed! *pointing at me* Aren't you ashamed?" Not knowing what to do, since I proved her that I knew the answer to what she asked me to do, I say "I am." Then she asks my best friend the same thing. She said she was, too, even if the teacher hadn't asked her anything during class. After we left, my friend and I had a tiny chat:
Friend: "God, she's mad."
Chanelle: "I know! I mean, she asks me if I'm ashamed, what would I be ashamed for? 'Yeah, woman, I am ashamed if you want me to, but I'm actually not ashamed at all. On the other hand, you should be ashamed for calling us stupid multiple times and yelling at us and saying we're the shame of the school when, in fact, we're one of your favorite classes.' - that's what I should've said."
Everyone in our school is afraid of this woman. She's even been sued once for giving a low grade to a good student, for no reason. And that grade would've kept the student from being admitted to any university - it's a little more complicated. In conclusion, yes, the woman is kiwi (nuts) and should buuuuuuurn.
My brother got dizzy today and fell. My parents took him to the ER. It's almost 1 AM and they aren't back yet.
I talked to my ex yesterday and today. H texted me first yesterday, we talked, then I texted him today. He called me and we spoke for 40 minutes. Forty! What's with all these mixed signals? One day we're talking for almost an hour, then no one says anything for two weeks, then one of remembers that the other still exists and texts them, we go out two days later, then baaaang, one or two weeks silence. Damn. We're not together. He lost contact with his other exes. Why are we still talking to each other? Maybe because a little piece of myself is still truly, deeply, madly in love with him. Maybe.
I should go to sleep now. We definitely need longer weekends. All I do on Saturdays is homework, then Sunday comes, when I study for tests, then guess what! another week of school and stress and sleep deprivation and stress and food and purging and maybe cutting and sometimes crying, oh, and some more stress. I've been having nightmares lately. Enough nightmares to notice that they're way more often than usual.
Good night.
The teachers exaggerate and think we only have one subject, their subject, to study for. Nope. I have more than 15 subjects. And I need a decent average in all of them. I've been struggling with PE/Sports lately. The woman wants us to stand on our heads. I can't.
Also, my chemistry teacher has a problem with me. I've noticed it since September. If she wants anyone to come to the board and do an exercise, that's me. And I can solve it every single time. School has only started 3 weeks ago, she has already sent me to the board twice. This is what happened on Tuesday: She was making an experiment with the electrolysis of water. The lesson was a bit complicated and, to be honest, I had almost no idea what was going on. Neither did the rest of my class. She then called us stupid, which she is definitely not allowed to do. How dare she?! The teacher looked at me. "You, what's your name?" - "[Chanelle], woman, you've been testing and sending me to the board so many times lately and you still don't know my name?" I go to the board and do as I am told: write the reaction of the chemical decomposition of water. I knew how to do it. H2O ---> H2 + 1/2 O2. She thanks me and tells me to go back to my seat.
Class finishes, my friends and I take a little longer to get our stuff. The teachers looks at us and starts saying in a loud voice: "You didn't study anything for today! How can you come to class like that?! You should be ashamed! *pointing at me* Aren't you ashamed?" Not knowing what to do, since I proved her that I knew the answer to what she asked me to do, I say "I am." Then she asks my best friend the same thing. She said she was, too, even if the teacher hadn't asked her anything during class. After we left, my friend and I had a tiny chat:
Friend: "God, she's mad."
Chanelle: "I know! I mean, she asks me if I'm ashamed, what would I be ashamed for? 'Yeah, woman, I am ashamed if you want me to, but I'm actually not ashamed at all. On the other hand, you should be ashamed for calling us stupid multiple times and yelling at us and saying we're the shame of the school when, in fact, we're one of your favorite classes.' - that's what I should've said."
Everyone in our school is afraid of this woman. She's even been sued once for giving a low grade to a good student, for no reason. And that grade would've kept the student from being admitted to any university - it's a little more complicated. In conclusion, yes, the woman is kiwi (nuts) and should buuuuuuurn.
My brother got dizzy today and fell. My parents took him to the ER. It's almost 1 AM and they aren't back yet.
I talked to my ex yesterday and today. H texted me first yesterday, we talked, then I texted him today. He called me and we spoke for 40 minutes. Forty! What's with all these mixed signals? One day we're talking for almost an hour, then no one says anything for two weeks, then one of remembers that the other still exists and texts them, we go out two days later, then baaaang, one or two weeks silence. Damn. We're not together. He lost contact with his other exes. Why are we still talking to each other? Maybe because a little piece of myself is still truly, deeply, madly in love with him. Maybe.
I should go to sleep now. We definitely need longer weekends. All I do on Saturdays is homework, then Sunday comes, when I study for tests, then guess what! another week of school and stress and sleep deprivation and stress and food and purging and maybe cutting and sometimes crying, oh, and some more stress. I've been having nightmares lately. Enough nightmares to notice that they're way more often than usual.
Good night.
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